Dear Journal,
The other day I and my mom were sitting in a physician’s assistant office. Throughout the many questions the P.A. had about my Apraxia; my mom finally spoke up and said, “Jordan has an invisible disability. You look at him, and you wouldn’t know. However, when he goes to talk, that’s when others know.”
It never dawned on me until that moment that, yes my disability is invisible. However, it doesn’t always stay invisible. When I was younger, I would try to make it as invisible as possible. I would not participate in conversations, avoid talking, and only speak if I knew the phrase was going to be easy. By doing this, I was avoiding what I had always feared; which was judgment.
When I began the process of acceptance with my speech disorder, it was a moment of no longer attempting to hide it. I could never really hide it that much, but I could to a certain degree.
Hiding something that’s part of your identity can make you feel like somethings wrong with you. Almost like there’s this flaw inside of you. When there never was, it was toxic ableist messages I got from society through bullying that made me feel this way.
As I move my life forward and not backward, I remind myself although my disability is invisible and sometimes not; that doesn’t mean I or others should feel like we have to be invisible. I’m challenging society’s deeply ingrained ableist standards.
Love,
Jordan Christian